The End is Where We Start From
by solice-in-silence
Summary: Because even the happy ending of Mass Effect breaks my heart afresh every time I play. Like so many people, I'm writing myself a new one, and writing it purely to get it out of my head. Shenko all the way but the others will wander in and out.
1. Aftermath

Hours...or days? She couldn't tell any more. The pain in her legs had faded, the crushing agony when the support strut slammed down across her knees and pinned her to the ground had receded in one of her bouts of unconsciousness, and yet Shepard had a feeling that wasn't a good thing. She lay face down, dimly aware of the sticky puddle of blood her face rested in, blood that had trickled from the wound across her face and the graze where a bullet just missed her head but nicked her temple and her nose and her lip, dimly aware that she couldn't move anything below her waist and she wasn't sure whether that was spinal injury or numbness or just that fact she was buried under rubble. She was trying not to focus on how raw her throat was from screaming orders in battle and now lying here desperate for a sip of water to help her parched mouth. Trying not to think about how the hunger pangs had turned into a twisting, painful emptiness that, along with the pain, had her feeling dizzy and weak and slipping in and out of blackness with no concept of how long she had lain there.

At first she had tried to move, or tried to raise somebody through radio contact, but she no longer had the energy to do either. Instead, she focused on breathing, keeping it slow and steady and ignoring the sharp pain in her side when she sucked air in.

They had won at least...right? She had destroyed the Reapers...and the galaxy could rebuild. That was the thought her mind turned over when it was capable of thought. It was done. This time, she hadn't failed.

She let her mind drift to better times. Poker in the lounge, drinking in her apartment, laughter, friends, Kaidan...half formed memories and images drifted through her brain at times. When she heard a voice, she was sure it was part of these thoughts. A voice calling her name. So sure was she it was her mind, at first she made no attempt to respond or react. But it continued and eventually she became aware it was not one voice, but a few, and there were other noises as well, the faint whirr of biotics and rubble being lifted...

Awkwardly she tried to lift her head and failed. Her arms tried to get purchase on the broken floor beneath her so she could push herself up, look around, but her elbows shook and she could not manage it. So she tried to yell, her dry tongue scraping across cracked lips before she tried to call out, nothing but an awkward croak escaping her, but it was heard and the footsteps were moving closer, and a sweeping light.

"Commander? Shepard!"

Things above her started moving, rocks and beams and a chunk of curved metal that had domed over her and protected most of her upper body.

"Sophie, oh thank God". A very familiar voice, and somebody was dropping into a space beside her torso, a hand on her own, another on her shoulder, and a face that was so dear to her leaning close. "Sophie? Can you hear me? We've found you, you're gonna be just fine, ok?" But she heard the falter in his voice as he looked at her legs, crushed beneath an enormous metal beam. Right now she didn't care though, her fingers curling so she could hold the tips of his.


	2. Awake

_Smoke. Gunfire. The beam so blindingly that you saw nothing but bright circles as you tried to pick your targets._

_Bodies. So many bodies._

_Rubble and Anderson, not breathing. The Illusive Man…also not breathing._

_The boy._

In her nightmare, she shifted restlessly – habit causing her to try to roll on her side, to lift an arm and reach for Kaidan, but this was not her bed, it was too small, too hard, and when she tried to move an arm she found her wrist restrained. A gasp of alarm escaped her and she struggled against the bonds, disorientated, and then felt hands on her, cool fingers against her wrist and her fingers.

"Shepard, don't try to move".

"It's okay, Shepard, you're in the Normandy med bay".

Familiar voices stopped her movements, she fell back, becoming aware that every single inch of her body ached and protested as she forced her eyes to open, the lids flickering and then obeying – and immediately closing at the light that hurt and she turned her head away from the glare.

"What happened?" she whispered, her voice not sounding like her own, broken and hoarse. A mission? Earth? Was it…was it real then?

"It's over Shepard" Liara murmured reassuringly, stroking her fingers and she cracked one eye open very slightly, trying to adjust to the lights through just a sliver. For a moment she couldn't see anything, just whiteness, and then there was shade and vague shapes appeared. Slowly she blinked, managing to open her eyes fully, and taking in the scene.

Dr Chakwas on one side, a soothing maternal hand on her shoulder, the other scanning through screens that contained information Shepard couldn't understand. On the other side, Liara, holding her wrist gently, too lightly to truly restrain her, her other hand blocking out the light so Shepard might open her eyes.

"I don't remember. Tell me" she said, and there was a hint of her usual stubborn and insistent tone, and the familiarity of hearing her speak like that had the corner of Liara's mouth twitching with amusement – that even now, Shepard could demand answers and get them just from the force of her presence.

"You activated the Crucible…the Reapers are dead. The Citadel all but collapsed on you and we dug you out. That was…two weeks ago now. You've been in the Normandy med bay ever since".

"We always knew you were a fighter, Commander" the Doctor picked up, turning to offer Shepard a reassuring smile, without the shaky trace of emotion that was clear in the asari's expression. "But even I am impressed. You lay in the Citadel for three days before the crew managed to get you out. You've lost a lot of blood – although there were no shortage of volunteers offering to donate - "

"Kaidan" Shepard interrupted. She could tell she was injured, but if she was alive the litany of broken bones could wait. But as her senses slowly returned, as her mind sifted through the information and the confusion and sought to figure out the sights around her, there was one thing very clearly missing. "Where – where is he?"

"With Hackett. Safe. Unhurt" Liara told her, the barest bones of information but enough to convey what the Commander needed to hear right now. With a sigh of relief, Shepard closed her eyes and relaxed, unaware of how tense she had been – and then winced, the moment her muscles let go giving her another wave of aches throughout her body. "The Alliance lost a lot of people – well, in truth, everyone did. Every race. Almost every able bodied person, anyone not so badly injured as to be bedridden, is volunteering. Helping with the recovery of bodies, with burning the Reaper troops, finding supplies and planning how we rebuild. I understand that Kaidan was reluctant to answer the call…but…"

"I insisted" Karin cut in, still as efficient as ever as she now turned to Shepard, leaning over her face to study her eyes and the pupils although she continued to explain. "He didn't leave your side for a week, not to sleep, not to eat – James had to deliver him eggs in here – but it was not doing him or you any good. You saved the galaxy Shepard…but all of us will have to help to put it back together. I reminded him you never forgot your duties, he ought not to forget his".

The image was clear in her mind the same instant. Kaidan at her side, broken and suffering, unable to bear the thought of losing her again, knowing he left her for dead once before and was not there for her recovery and unwilling to repeat the situation. And Dr Chakwas, unable to work with him under foot, busy and worried and not helped by his questions, ordering him in the way she ordered everyone, arms folded as she gave him his instructions and banished him from the Med Bay.

"He checks in daily. Twice. I promised to let him know the moment you are awake" Liara said stepping back. "I should go do so now" she said, but hovering reluctantly before stepping forward and leaning down. Shepard was in no state to be embraced, too many fractures and broken bones, so she pressed a feverent relieved kiss against the Commander's forehead, a spot between bruises and healing grazes. "It is good to have you back, Shepard" she murmured with a smile as she straightened up, before leaving the room.

"Good to be back" the Commander murmured, her voice thick with sleep – Dr Chakwas having upped the pain medication entering her body the moment her eyes opened and the morphine in her veins was pulling her back to unconsciousness.


	3. Injuries

It was easier to open her eyes the second time, although the light was still far too bright, and once more a hand attempted to move and cover her eyes and once more the restraints held her down. For a moment she was disorientated, but this time it had been hours nor days, and her brain gently reminded her where she was. There was less distress in her movement, or attempt at movement, this time, but the one watching her this time hadn't taken his eyes off her in hours and reacted immediately.

"Shepard?"

"Hey Kaidan" she managed to murmur, knowing it was him even before her eyes opened and she felt a hand on her head, on her hair, and another catch her fingers. Opening her eyes she focused on the hazel eyes, the dark eyebrows, the lines of concern, the sleepless shadows, the stubble on his chin and the thin white scar that marked his lip…and then the pieces fit themselves together and it was his face, the face she loved, pale, tired, concerned and relieved all in one. "You're ok?" she checked, trying to smile, the expression intending to reassure but a sob caught in his throat at the sight of it.

"Shepard, you might be the only person who can wake from injuries like yours and ask if I'm ok" he murmured in disbelief, glancing toward the Doctor who crossed to check her vital signs once more.

"How bad?" she asked, and the hand beneath his shifted, reaching for a better grip even as her attention shifted to the Doctor. Over her head, over her body lying prone and patchworked with bandages and drips, the two shared a look…and there was a faintly discernible nod, the suggestion something had passed between them. That they might as well tell her and get it over with.

"It could be worse" Karin began gently, as though to try to preface the bad news with something positive. "All the bones in both your legs crushed, heavy nerve and muscle damage in both…Shepard…I've done everything I can, the bones are held together with mesh and beginning to heal but you're never going to be able to run again" she said softly, and there was sorrow in her voice as she delivered this news. Perhaps it shouldn't be a shock, but it came as though a physical blow, her stomach dropping, suddenly empty and she closed her eyes to try to process it.

"Will – I walk?" she checked, and the silence, the moment of hesitation, had her eyes flying open again.

"I believe so" was the guarded answer. "It's too soon to promise or be sure, but I believe so. It will take time though, and effort".

"What else?" Shepard whispered, not trusting herself to stay silent and let that news sink in.

"You cracked your sternum, fractured almost all your ribs, dislocated a shoulder – but all these injuries are improving. One lung deflated, which we have managed to save, and a host of bruises, cuts, grazes and wounds too numerous to count but all stitched up. You'll live Shepard…but you won't be a solider anymore".

There was a long silence. Dr Chakwas occupied herself with the screen, checking blood pressures and other outputs, all of them slowly but steadily improving. Kaidan all but held his breath as he looked down at Shepard, her eyes closed once more and her expression unreadable, the swelling and bruising a part of it but there was a distance in her face, as though she had withdrawn from them and he didn't dare call her back till she accepted this news.

It was hard to take in. All her adult life she had been a solider. The moment she turned eighteen she had joined the Alliance. There had been nothing else she even considered doing with her life. There were no parents to advise, no family, so she turned to the military who had saved her and vowed to work to ensure nobody else had to become an orphan as she had. It was all she had ever planned. She had assumed she would end up like Anderson, like Hackett, like Chakwas even – that her life would be devoted to the military, that they would be the only family she ever had. That, or she would die in combat, and that had seemed a more and more likely in recent years. Between that assumption, and the war, she had never thought of an alternative future, had never considered anything else – and now suddenly, there was peace, and the future was a blank slate. A future where she couldn't fight, couldn't run…Shepard had no ideas. It was almost as daunting as the fight had been. Almost.

"I guess I'd better…figure out how people live…when they're not saving the galaxy" she managed eventually, the long sentence, the longest she had spoken since waking, an effort that required her to break off and gasp another lungful of air twice. She tried to sound casual, the relaxed jovial tone she had perfected, but as she looked toward Kaidan her vision was blurred with tears and she choked on the words as she forced them out. "Maybe…get myself a hobby".

"Hey, hey, it's gonna be okay" Kaidan crooned, shifting his chair closer to her with scrap of metal on the tiled floor, squeezing her hand gently, his fingers ghosting over her hair. His instinct was to embrace her, that was what he'd have done normally – pulled her close and hugged her tightly – but with her strapped down to the bed with little wires and tubes taped to her skin, that was a bad idea. He couldn't get close enough to comfort her properly as she swallowed awkwardly, screwing up her eyes to hold back the tears as he leaned in toward her ear, kissing her temple gently before he spoke. "I know it's gonna be tough Shepard, but…you're alive. And that's so much more than we hoped at first" his own voice cracked, remembering the fear. The initial terror and confusion where nobody seemed to know what had happened or what to do, and he thought he had lost her again. "You're alive…and you managed it. Sure, there's the future to think of, but don't let yourself forget that you won and you're going to live to see it".

He had a point and Sophie nodded slightly, her lips pressed together as she forced back the tears. Considering what the sacrifice could have been, she ought to be glad it was just her legs, practically dancing for joy…metaphorically speaking, of course.

"I know I just…I don't know what I'll do now" she confessed and Kaidan offered a shaky smile.

"We'll figure that out together" he promised.


End file.
